idontwanttobeyouanymore
by Alwaysgurl2013
Summary: What if Beckett's mental health had taken a turn for the worse because of being shot? Takes place early season 4 prior to Kill Shot


**Author's Note: Hello All. I wanted to write something based off of Billie Eilish's song idontwanttobeyouanymore and this is what came to me. Takes place in the early parts of Season 4 before Kill Shot. What if Beckett's mental health was struggling really badly because of her shooting?**

Richard Castle could usually predict where he could find Kate Beckett when he returns from his afternoon coffee runs as if he had written it as a chapter in his latest novel. But this afternoon was different than every other. Usually the female detective would have been waiting at her desk or even still in the interview room if the interview that she had to pull Javi in on since Rick had been on the phone with his publisher, but yet Rick couldn't find the brunette anywhere. He even checked the breakroom in case her need for liquid caffeine was too dire to wait for him to make it back from their favorite coffee shop, but even that was an empty handed search.

"If you're looking for Beckett, she left." Ryan's voice interrupts his questioning mind from going mad. Rick's questioning eyes find his before he has a chance to even ask the questions running through his head. "Told the captain she wasn't feeling well and left for the day." Rick's eyes dart towards the elevator as he tried to remember anything about Kate that had been off when they were working together before he left. She hadn't been herself since the shooting, but that was expected. She was healing, but she hadn't seemed sick. When his detective was sick, she laid off the coffee, switched to tea, and tends to be nicer surprisingly. Her sick mind doesn't have the strength to mess with him as much, but she wasn't acting different than she had been for the past few weeks. "She said she was going home if you want to check on her. We thought she didn't look sick either." Ryan says, not looking up from the files he and Espo were looking over.

"See you later." Worry floods his body at the thought of something from her surgery being wrong that he can't even come up with a more elegant way to say goodbye to the boys. Something was wrong with Kate and that would always worry him. He loves her after all, even if she didn't remember, he knew how he felt about her. Opting for a cab since it would be quicker than waiting for his car service Rick makes his way towards Kate's apartment. He tries calling her, but is immediately sent to voicemail, which worries him more. Kate, rarely turns her phone off, so something has to be wrong. His shoulders and legs felt tense the rest of the ride to her apartment as he didn't know what he would expect to find there. His mind kept flashing back to holding her on the cemetery grass and telling her how he felt in hopes making sure if she lost her life, she would know he did love her. But now she might be hurt and she doesn't know so what good did it all do? What good does anything do if he can't stop her pain and show her he loves her?

The cabbie's voice telling him that they had arrived stops his thoughts from getting darker. Castle throws some bills through the window, making sure he pays but not paying enough to realize he tipped almost double his metered fair. His thoughts are solely on figuring out Kate. Racing up the stairs he is outside her door in minutes. He knocks on her door and after a minute or two of pounding that feels like hours, the door opens to a slightly pale, but expressionless Kate Beckett. "Are you ok K-Beckett?"

"I'm not feeling too hot, Castle. Why are you here?" Castle can't focus on answering her question when he notices the blood on her floor, trailing from her foot.

"Kate, what happened to your foot?"

"I broke a mirror and accidently cut my foot on the pieces."

"You broke a mirror? That's a whole 7 years of bad luck Beckett."

"Well I've already been shot this year, so how much worse can it get?" At the dismissive tone of her reply, he finally takes in the rest of her and notices the cuts and the light bruises starting to form on her first.

"Kate, did you break a mirror? Or did you punch a mirror?" Kate's eye's drop their gaze from his and he knows already his suspicion was right. "Let's get your cuts cleaned up. Can you get too the couch? Or do you need a hand?"

"I can do it." Kate says, but as her body starts to sway, Rick places a hand softly on her back and she leans into his side.

"Kate, you know I'm here for you always right? You can always talk to me right?" Kate nods, but Rick doesn't believe she actually believes what she's agreeing to. "Even if it's about your healing process." He feels Kate stiffen at those words and he knows his gut is on the right track about the woman he loves. They walk the remaining few steps in silence before getting her settled in a sitting position. Rick walks towards Kate's bathroom looking for a first-aid kit and is surprised by the mess he finds. When she said she broke a mirror, he didn't think she meant the one that covered most of her wall. There were large chucks on broken mirror all over her floor that crunch under his feet, but he focuses on finding the first aid kit. When he finds it he takes all of it out to where Kate sits. He works at cleaning her cuts with some alcohol wipes he finds in the kit. Her whole body shudders and he wants to kiss her cuts to try and take the pain away, but knows this isn't the time or place for that especially since she doesn't know he loves her. "Sorry, I know it sucks. But I want to make sure it's clean."

"It's not your fault Castle. I punched it, I have to suck it up and deal with the pain."

"Want to talk about why you punched it Rocky?" Kate lets a hiss through gritted teeth as he cleans the last of the cuts on her foot. He goes to put neosporin on the cuts before bandaging them up.

"It's hard to explain." Kate shrugs.

"If you can follow my outlandish theories, I can probably follow."

"Castle, I don't know if I can explain."

"Oh ok." Rick stops pushing. He's used to her pulling away when she's in moods like this, so he won't keep pushing. If she doesn't want to talk about it, he's not going to-

"I just- you say you see me as extraordinary."

"Because you are."

"If I explain, I don't think you'll think I am anymore." Rick doesn't know what to say or think. He truly believes she is extraordinary, but for her to feel like she can't tell him because of that makes him nervous.

"Kate, I'll never stop thinking you're extraordinary." He while still wrapping her hand but he runs his hand up and down hers as he continues wrapping her battered knuckles. "I just want to be here for you. I love you." The words leave his mouth before he can stop them.

"You what?" Kate stares at him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say it right now. I said it at Roy's funeral, but you don't remember-"

"I do Rick." Rick and Kate never talk, but especially never about her getting shot, but he was shocked that even though months had passed without him knowing that she remembered now. "I'm not handling anything well right now, but I remember what you said."

"Kate, you're allowed to not be handling anything things right now. You were shot. But I love you no matter what and I'll be here for you."

"Rick, I don't know how to say this so let me explain please?" Rick nods, not knowing what to expect. "You're my partner. And I love you for that, and there's a part of me that want to love you for more than that. But I can't even love myself right now. I don't even want to be myself right now. The girl in the mirror kept telling me that I was broken and I didn't deserve you and so I kept telling her that I don't want to be you anymore and next thing I knew was at the front door staring at you." Rick can't stop himself from pulling Kate into his arms at her confession. He had never seen her broken like this. "Rick-"

"Kate, I love you and I even if you're having a hard time loving yourself, I'll love you until you love yourself again."

"I don't expect you to. I'm barely holding it together right now and I don't expect you to hold it together for you. Rick, I'm more scared that if you stay around right now you'll eventually see me like I see myself. Monsters don't always live out in the world, they live in our heads. I just don't want them to move from my head to yours."

"Kate, I will sit through the darkness with you if you want. The monsters will never tell me what to think of you because I know who you are and I will keep loving you no matter what your mind tells you."

"Rick, I feel like I'm teetering on the edge every day wondering what the fuck I'm doing. I'm afraid I might kill myself just to end the pain of everything but I want to get better for you. I want to be better so I can be with you." Rick feels the air knocked out of him, before he feels a gush of air when he hears her saying she wants to be with her.

"Kate, if you want help, we can find someone. We can work through this. I'll stay with you if you feel like you'll hurt yourself." Rick's arms haven't left their place wrapped around her waist and her arms wrap around his neck as she pulls herself closer.

"Thank you Rick." Her head falls to his shoulder. "I'm just so fucking tired all the time now. And I feel like I'm trying so hard and and it feels like it's not good enough. These thoughts just don't stop Castle and it's exhausting. I'm not doing ok. And it gets worse when I'm alone." His hand moves to rub small circles on her back. "Will you stay with me? I don't want to be alone anymore."

"Of course Kate. Anything you need I will always try to help you in whatever way I can."

"I think I want to take a nap, will you lay with me?" Rick nods so nothing stupid falls out of his mouth, because innocently napping sounds like a dream right now. They unwrap slightly from each other just to walk to Kate's bedroom, Rick's arm stays wrapped around her waist since he wants to stay close to her now that he knows she loves him, even if it might not be the same way that he does at the moment. Although, in a similar way Kate's head stays on Rick's shoulder as they walk towards to the bed and he walks them towards her bed. She motions towards the side she usually leans towards and Rick nods understanding. He walks them both towards her sides so he could help her get into bed before walking to the other side to climb in. She wiggles over to him and he offers his arms to her without questions. She cradles into his arms and a few tears escape her eyes solely on the fact that this man loves her no matter that she's broken or that her own mind hates her. Rick's hand reaches up to wipe her tears away.

"What's wrong?" Rick asks.

"Nothing, just thinking how lucky I am to have you in my life. How grateful I am that someone like you can love someone like me-"

"It's not hard to love someone as wonderful as you are Kate. I'm the lucky one to love you Kate." Rick places a kiss on her hair, thinking back to the one time they kissed a year before. He's still shocked he gets to be in her personal space. He's even more surprised when Kate lifts her head to meet his lips like they had before, but this time it wasn't a ruse. This time she was just trying to show that she loved him, since she isn't able to completely love him until she can re-learn to love herself again.

"I have a wall that needs to come down before I can be the person you deserve, but maybe we can work on that together?" Kate asks as they break apart from their kiss and Rick nods.

"Of course Kate. We can do anything as long as we're together. Even the Great Wall of China can be taken apart brick by brick." Kate gives him quick, soft kisses. "I love you and I'll support you in whatever way you need."

"I love you too Castle. I just don't know how to love myself right now and I feel like I am letting the people I love down so I'm asking you to stay with me through it?"

"You'll never let me down for fighting your battles. Just know you have people who will fight with you and love you when you feel like you can't love yourself." Rick holds Kate to his chest, not wanting to let her go. "Just don't run, please? When the thoughts are telling you you're not worth it or worse, come find me or Lanie or Espo or Ryan. Please?" Kate's head tilts ever so slightly to meet his eyes again. "I've lived through thinking I would lose you to a sniper. I meant it when I said we can get you help if you think you're going to hurt yourself or commit suicide. But Kate, I can't imagine my life without you. You are extraordinary and I can keep telling you that until you believe it-"

"Ok. I won't run, but I think I need to get some help. Maybe go back to the psychiatrist I saw before. I don't think this pain is something you can just kiss and it will go away Castle." Kate places soft kisses into his button down covered chest.

"If that's the path you want to take Kate, I'm on the path with you."

"I think I just want to put in the time and focus on getting better. I want to be better. I don't want to be one foot out the door for the rest of my life Castle." Kate leans upward so that she can place a hand on his heart. "I want to deserve this."

"You already do. It's yours from now until forever Kate. It's been yours for years at this point. All you had to do was voice you wanted it."

"I do Castle."

"Then it's yours." Rick pulls her face to meet his once again and the passion behind her kiss tells him that deep down, his Kate is still kicking and fighting with a want to keep living. And now that he could kiss her lips whenever he wanted, he is going to have a hard time stopping, even if it is to let her sleep or get the help she voiced she needs. But as the kiss slows down, he can sense that Kate is growing tired and he knows that he will put her health, mental and physical, first always. Because no matter what, he loves Kate Beckett and he will always make sure she is taken care of.


End file.
